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Typically couples come to therapy on the request of one partner who feels the relationship to be troubled. The couple is looking for some kind of relief from the day to day tension that occurs in their communications with one another and many times they want to know if the therapist can “fix” their situation. Relationships are a process in which two people come together to recreate and maybe even repair an event that occurred in one’s childhood. When the couple begins the process of psychotherapy, often one partner will say, “he’s just like my dad” or “she’s just like my sister”.
Why begin the counseling process:
- You feel powerless in your current situation and you would really like to make changes.
- You are considering making a deeper commitment (i.e., marriage) and you want to get clearer on the decision.
- You are concerned the relationship is “stuck” and you and your partner don’t seem to be growing in the same direction.
- You want more from the relationship.
- You have concerns about whether you should separate and maybe even a hidden desire to divorce your partner and “get out” of the relationship.
- You feel your relationship with your partner is changing your children.
Couples don’t come together by accident. Look at your own relationship and see if your partner balances you out in some way. Is he or she very sensitive or passionate and you tend to be quiet and avoidant? People find each other in search of someone who can help them heal parts of themselves they don’t understand. That’s why when you meet someone at first you really can “fall” for them because they have the ability to show you something about yourself you never really looked at before and in the very beginnings of the relationship usually the things you learn about yourself are quite positive and fulfilling but like anything else a relationship too must possess a shadow side (sometimes referred to as a dark side). Someone you have deep affection and respect for can show you those parts of yourself that you have tried to hide or deny; aspects of yourself that may make you feel inferior, unworthy, or shameful. After spending a lot of time together this side inevitably surfaces and the couple feels as if they have been thrown into a pit where sometimes constant bickering, tension, or anger enters the relationship and they feel as if there is no way out. In turn, each individual in the couple will either withdraw, avoid, confront with anger, or run from their partner out of a sense of fear and uncertainty and with the belief that the person they have sacrificed everything for has somehow betrayed them or the relationship.
This, however, is an important opportunity for each individual to grow as well as the relationship to grow and root into something stronger. Even the shadow side has something to teach us about ourselves and how we react and process information. If we are open to understanding and becoming more conscious of how we handle life not only in a positive sense but also negatively, then we allow ourselves to make more meaning of our lives by gaining the insight necessary to become more fulfilled, stronger, and more satisfied and trusting of our partners.
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